Chapters, Ghosts & Treadmills

Chapters and Ghosts

A wise woman once said "No one can help everyone, but everyone can help somebody." I love this quote as the first time I read it was after walking 26 miles in a pink bra for Breast Cancer. It always makes me slightly tearful because it reminds me of how far I have come in life.

I have taken the time to read it tonight as it has been a funny old week in the life of Jules. How to describe it - at times it has been like having my back against a wall and hungry bears (and not Winnie-the-Pooh) coming at me. I have found myself somewhat anger-upset at things, which is not like me. I had a long chat with Chris about maybe slowing down and not doing as much. But then now that I have had a look at everything I do and I love it all, and I think I just have to learn to live with the frustrations and give myself a break for five minutes. Sometimes I have to be delivering 120% to be happy with myself for what I am doing, and I have to give myself a break and maybe recognise what I do, not what I have still got to do! If I sound as though I am lecturing myself I am, I am because I'm my own hardest critic.

There has been something else going on in my head - I been trying to talking to ghosts, which  is possibly a reaction of opening a new chapter in my life by becoming engaged, which I'm very excited about (although I hope I don't turn into a smug couple person who forgets what it is like still searching for mr right). I suppose it will be no surprise that the ghost of the my wedding is my mum. It is funny that I have known for nearly 20 years that she wouldn't be at my wedding but actually announcing the engagement and talking to parents about weddings, has reminded me how much I miss her. For me, these emotions together with ones of complete happiness is complete contrast to each other, and really hard to explain. It is although in times of amazing exciting of happiness, I miss her the most, because she's not there to see where life has taken her little girl, and so much of my adulthood happiness is down to the qualities and values she instilled in me. Oh boy, I think I have to take this up a notch before everyone is crying with smiles on their faces.

So this weekend for me has been about how to move myself forward and put the last week behind me and I think the only way to do this is to remember to take time out for me, by writing and by getting fitter again, because life is full of events that you can't control, but there are always things that can be done to change perspective on things.

Getting fit is something I have been running away from since coming back from South Africa and I don't know why because when I am on the treadmill with my earphones there is something so pure about that moment. It is a place to think and let go of everything. I think somewhere in the last four years I have got scared and found comfort in a sofa and bad television, and I don't want that anymore. I have protection in life, I don't need padding around my bones to keep me safe anymore, and if people look at me at the gym and think I am fat, I won't mind because I am there trying to do something about it, rather than sitting in the dark pretending that a fairy will grant my wish to be thin (I've tried and it doesn't work).  I have been twice in two days - good start - lets make a pack that in a month - I will reveal how many times I have been. It will also help when I start looking at wedding dresses - not that we are at this stage yet, but it not too early to start putting your health first and all the rest will follow on from there.

And yes we are back to the writing (and the lack of it), although that is not really true. I am writing and working hard on the ending of my book as it didn't add up in terms of the pace of resolutions and consequences of what had happened. But it is starting to take shape again. Perhaps now because I see the difference between myself and the main character, which for a long time it got a bit blurred and messy. But this book, the one we have all been talking about for nearly 10 years is going to happen because I am a storyteller with a mountain of stories to share with the world. Maybe one of the stories is of my life, but, for now, I will keep writing the blog and sharing the world through my eyes.