And here's to 2014!

Last Tuesday night I sat down; chilled and believing in the Christmas Holidays. I had just finished worked for the festival break and 2014, and rather then sitting there with a glass of red wine and peanuts, I had beside me a glass of water and a banana as I waited for my last personal training session (PT) of the year. It makes me sound very angelic to the ones who weren't with me on the various night outs that December and the build up to Christmas brings.  Having a moment to ponder on the fact 2014 was nearly at its end, I started to think about my year and what it has brought, so here's is my menu of items that had shaped my 2014.

Budapest
No - unfortunately I haven't travelled there. It is the music of George Ezra, that in the later part of the year became  my soundtrack of the year. It is wonderful music and I urge you to listen to him without having a smile on your face. Music is such an important part in my life, there are so many aspects of my life, be it writing, keeping fit, cooking and general chilling out, where music comes into play and George Ezra's voice has hit my soul as he echoes a warmth deep in my heart, which just makes me beam. Also he reminded me how much fun it can be dancing on treadmills. I really don't help myself in the madness department.

Time to say goodbye 
2014 was always going to be a year where death haunted my soul as it is the 20th anniversary of saying goodbye to my mum, and realising that no matter how many years pass, it is always going to be painful to have this amazing life that she helped create and build without her. Many would say that I am an emotional person at times, which I am, but sometimes the void of not having her there can only be filled with tears.  Missing mum was heightened by another great lady losing her fight with cancer during the first six months of the year. Death holds no prisoners. But before everyone stops reading, death also gives a strong message to those living, make the most of your life when you have it because you only have one life on this earth. You can walk with tears in your eyes all you life, or you can walk  using the echoes of heavens as your energy, and though there has been painful parts of this year, I have used these to move forward.

Becoming a wag?
No Chris hasn't become a footballer, that was the reaction that my sister had when I said I had a personal trainer at the gym! In June, two days before the numbers 3 and 7 became my age, I met my trainer for the first time as an attempt to improve my fitness.  Until then I was living under the false allusion that I could find my way to a fitness regime by myself. I was too scared, too stuck in a punishment world of having let myself become unfit, that I had put boundaries on myself on what I could do. Slowly over the last six months, I have felt change in not just myself physical but mentally. There is something more therapeutic about slamming a ball hard on a mat and walking on a treadmill than sitting on the couch stewing over things.  It is definitely pushing my boundaries and challenging my ideas and making me challenge the old ideas of fitness that came off the back of falling in 2010. Advice to anyone trying to create a change in fitness - personal trainers are great and, exercise and healthy eating shouldn't be confuse with punishment.

My glass is never lower than half full
The gym, taking time for myself and writing a bit more has meant that I am probably more positive than I have ever been. Don't get me wrong, I can be an angry, negative person about things but I would like to think that side of me doesn't appear very often. There is too much in life, which is magically and new and sitting here in Edinburgh, I realise how safe I am. I think, and this isn't something to feel bad about, it that it is easy to take for granted what we have in life compared to others. When you look at how people reacted to Black Friday or the Boxing Day sales, I am left with one question, why? At the end of the day it is about being safe and being loved - not about possession or what you didn't get for Christmas. Being part of a loving family, to be loved by an amazing man makes me the wealthiest woman in the world and being able to be content with who I am is one of the most powerful lessons anyone could learn.

Glasgow
Okay I've gone sad, I've gone slushy and the next word on my notepad is Glasgow. Glasgow has been in my mind over Christmas because of the tragedy on its streets. I can't imagine what it must be like for the people who have been affected by it and all I can say is my thoughts and prayers are with you. Glasgow, this year, has shown its warmth and friendly through the hosting of the Commonwealth Games to their compassion due to the unimaginable tragedies that had top and tailed the last 12 months of the city's year. Glasgow for me has always been better miles, a city of friendliness and adventure. I have never been caught in the east/west divide as Braco is in the middle; and going to Glasgow for me is always about a change of step in my life.  Glasgow was also the start of the world's eyes on Scotland and the wee debate about Scotland's independent. Unfortunately, for the campaigners, my vote was always going to be no, but by the time polling day came about I was ready to accept the yes vote had the SNP won. Never fear change and always remember that if you are passionate about something, it is only right to think there is someone else who has the same passion inside of them for the contrasting views. Respect differences even when they are alien to what  you believe in.

(6) Hey Frankie?
After seeing the Ryder Cup safety in the hands of the Europeans again, thoughts moved towards how to mark the 4 decades that my sister had been alive, and I got to play the best role of my life - the naughty little sister. For me, there was never any debate I would use photographs to celebrate her life and I don't think I disappointed her. It is odd to think of us as being the ages we are, but it was fantastic to share so many giggles and stories with her and her friends. Memories can be an odd thing, you can focus so much on the difficult stuff sometimes that you forget the brilliant stuff and looking through our childhood and putting it together filled me with loved and peace. From the outside; people can judge things and headlines can distort things, but from the inside we know what is real and what is real is that we are loved and I hope the people reading this have felt real love because I feel it everyday of my life.

(7) And finally to finish?
There is one question I get asked by many people many times? Some of whom have stopped asking. The question "When are you going to finish the book?"Another year has escaped me, but maybe I needed this year to find a balance inside of me, adjust into being a wife and find myself enjoying exercise again. Perhaps it is all excuses for laziness, I'll leave it to you to decide.  But the annual Edinburgh Book Festival gave us the opportunity to listening to the amazingly funny Francesca Martinez talking about her book "What the F*** is normal", which is a journey of her own life of how she became a comic and how she shed the label of cerebral palsy in favour of wobbly. Have just finished reading her book, it has been enlightening for me and the idea of taking chances has been ignited in me; and I am out of excuses to why I am not pursing my writing so watch this in 2015 as it is going to be interesting.

So as we all head towards the parties to celebrate in the 2015, all I have to offer in Julia's wisdom is be yourself, believe in yourself and take the time to be yourself in the company of others, who you love and love you. Waste less time worrying and more time taking leaps of faith. Always reach for the moon as even if you don't get there you will be surrounded by stars!

Flying on the treadmill

Okay it is an odd thing to love, most people see a treadmill as the end of the day chore and yes there is a part of me who wants just to go home for a cup of tea. In fact tonight, I nearly flatlined at 5 mins, but managed a cool thirty minutes. I even managed to fly for about 3 minutes (no hands holding on, which with my balance and having watched someone fall off a treadmill last mouth is no mean feet). I love the freedom of powering on  a treadmill as my mind can write in the energy of exercise. I try keep enough focus so I don't slide off, but my head isn't in the gym, it is 

dreaming of a world that I am standing in and loving life.  I feel that the treadmill is like a magic carpet, it can take me deep into my prose and the world of my characters, it can allow me to work out frustrations of a day but I always leave happier! I think it is because I channel the inner part of me who is motivated by straightforward goals. I have shared this piece before but here it is again.

Finding my feet

There is no colour. Clinical white surrounds me and that smell, it reminds me of mummy trying to clean up after I have been sick. The trouble is that smell always makes me feel sick again. Another thing I cannot escape from is the heat. It feels as though the sun is right above us. Mummy has already taken off my jumper and I wish she would take of my shoes. I hate wearing shoes, if nature wanted us in shoes, shouldn't we have been born with them on?

The group of adults is back again with notepads and pens. They don't allow me to draw - only them. There is an older man with a white beard and glasses - a bit like Father Christmas in disguise. He is busy talking to my mummy and two other ladies in white tops and dark trousers. It is odd to have an auidence when you are only three years old.

They want me to do the same as last week; to walk between the bars from one end to the next. I have not managed it yet so why should this time be any different? Mummy places me at one end and kisses me. No words of encouragement though can make me walk.

I can't do this. I stand there thinking that the end of the bars look as far away as the view of the hills from the kitchen window. My knees are still bruised from last week's try. I look back at my mum, her sweet smiles makes me want to crawl into her arms.

Suddenly, images of my friends appear, all running around the garden and me limited in my actions. If I did walk, I could play with my friends. No longer bound to the red & white push chair. I could be one of them, part of the gang, not stuck in the sand.

I take each of the bars in my hands. My palms are sweating already and I have to grip like a vice to not lose my hold. My legs feel unconnected to the rest of me. Come on brain, keeping the messages pumping through my legs, they are counting on you.

Heels down and then the toes. My first few steps are awkward. Each time I move one foot, I shake all over. All my concentration is being kept on where my feet are going. Any normal person would only feel this way I do now if they were standing on a boat during a storm. I sway to each side constantly. My audience is holding their breath and the plasters for when I go bump on the ground. Whatever they are feeling, I need all my focus to be on my legs and feet. I have only taken five steps and I already want to be at home eating ice-cream. What is so important about walking anyway?

My thoughts of vanilla ice-cream have distracted me and I stumble again. It's beginning to feel like any other Thursday. Time to bruise my poor little knees again. As I feel myself falling, I catch in the edge of my vision the end of the bars. Surprisingly, they are incredibly close, not out of reach. My focus comes back. I stop myself from falling. I keep going heel, toe, heel toe to reach the end of my first solo walk. But it is not enough when I get there so I turn myself around and walk back. Finding my feet are strong enough to carry me means I have stated my own walk to my personal freedom. Now, if I could just learn to talk properly there will be no stopping me.

It is as think in a world that can become over complicated with things, it good to enjoy simply things and remember that sometimes it is the simple pleasures that can lead to us to achieve our greatest dreams. And while I dream on the treadmill, I am also realising that my fitness, which I once thought I had lost forever, is coming back and that makes me want to roar!

Goethe Quote

As I sit here and wonder what this week has all been about I have this wonderful quote on the wall next to me:

"Whatever you dream you can do begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe

Sometimes even when a week doesn't make much sense, it is only because you have been concentrating on only a small part of the picture.

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time a girl started a blog, with a mission in mind, the blog was going to be an amusing journey of her competing her novel, getting published and then the girl got lost. She tripped over her own feet and lost her confidence, and it has taken a long time for her to realise that she was there all the time.

Let's not mixed words, this novel has been stuck for a good few years now and having travelled to both Egypt and Barbados (without me), should really be in a bookshop earning me some money, but then it wasn't finished because it needed me to find something to make sense of it all. If you read it just now, there are big chunks of it still in my head. But that is changing and although I am not ready to go public with a deadline - there is a deadline that I am working to and I know what I need to do to finish it.

Where is this new determination coming from? Well I think it is the realisation that you have one life and time is going so quickly. No one is going to give you six months off to write a novel or let me pay my bills with paper. I did once try eating paper when I was about 5 but it wasn't very tasty and probably isn't part of the diet plan I've been set by my Personal Trainer. But unless I stand firm and say I am a writer and I am going to finish this novel, no one else is going to make me do it.

Also, I think I have being braver recently - I have stopped saying I was going to do something about my weight, and I am now working with a PT, who inspires me not to give up or take the easy way out. I don't know I think there is something about the gym that is hard to explain - there is a piece I wrote about learning to walking between parallel bars when I was young and I think I channel that little girl in the gym, and believe that everything is worth a shot.

I also have amazing friends, some of which I was out with on Friday, who make me try to be a better person. On Friday, I was with a group of people who I had worked with at the Bank and as we caught up on each other lives for the last 12 months, I thought how incredible each of our journeys had been since the banking crisis and how something that at the time was horrific had taken us all on different journeys which we would have never had experienced if the banking world had stayed the same. It also reaffirmed my believe that it is the people who made our team at the bank and seven years of Fringing just confirms my belief.

So tonight as part of the journey the blogs starts again as the book is blooming with new life and suddenly the dust is being blown off it. I remember some wise person said that dreams are just a reality waiting to happen; and instead of wishing you were somewhere else, enjoy what you have in the here and now, for life needs to be cherish every day.

A picnic at the top of the world

A picnic at the top of the world

There’s a million and one things I should be doing and probably will have to say sorry to Chris later, but I thought I would start with writing today! There is a book lying on our bedroom floor called “My favourite place”, which is a collection of writing pulled together by the Scottish Book Trust about the said mention in Scotland and I started thinking about one of my favourite places in the world; South Africa; Cape Town to be more precise.

Cape Town was the final destination for a trip I have taken part on to raise funds for SCOPE and our last challenge was to climb Table Mountain. Now the story of the climb is another chapter in itself, but it led me to one of the most iconic moments of my life, having a picnic on top of world. If I shut my eyes in the darkness of the Scottish winter, I can feel the dry heat of Cape Town and relief of having some shelter under some trees. Now I know what you are thinking; it is not that impressive and did you cheat by using the Cable Car  I can assure you we had walked through the Kirstenbosch National Botantic Garden, fought with an angry dassie and been separated from the rest of the group. Michael, one of the guides supporting the group, and I were on our own at the back of the mountain and we were each other’s support according to him. The truth was he was my rock that day, and demonstrated the kindness of strangers. It was down to him we had lunch as in my wisdom I had given my pack together with my water and food to Mark. 

The stupid thing when writing it is that I don’t remember what we ate, only that we drank Redbush tea under the trees and an overwhelming sense of peaceful awesomeness floated through me; it had been a long journey from the parallel bars to eating sandwiches on top of Table Mountain. The law of averages and even my own mind now sometimes rejects this story as nothing but a fairy tale, because it was incredible, scary and wonderful all at the same time and it changed me. I think I looked at myself and realised that yes I could do anything. No matter how many times things don’t work out how you would want them, that if you want something in life bad another, there is no reason why you shouldn’t go out there and seize everything you have. I think I learnt to love myself for everything I am and in doing that I found an inner peace and beauty that allowed me to no longer punish myself for things out with my control. I honestly believe that the experienced opened me up as a person and because of that I found Chris, because I could believe that someone could love me.

Now, back in Scotland, whenever I need inspiration or a reminder of what drives the inner madness of Jules, I close my eyes and go back to the mountain of dreams and allow myself to rejoin the picnic on top of the world. 

My 50th Post

The future

Start of a new week tomorrow and new opportunities are waiting in the wings... do we take the road we know or do we take the one less travelled?

I don't really know what to write tonight, I am full of ideas, thoughts and worries... so I will just leave you with 7 quotes for the week:

(1) "Whatever you dream you can do begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe.

(2) "You are not alone in this and you are not alone in this as brothers together we will hold your hand." Timshel by Mumford and Son.

(3) "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. " Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

(4) "There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap..." Anon.

(5) "Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground" Teddy Roosevelt.

(6) "Risk, dream, make a new start. Above all, believe in yourslf. Have courage and grab at life - it's all there for the taking." Anon.

(7) "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt.

A flicker of Pink

Happy new year

The year's so fresh, new and exciting that I not going to talk about new year resolutions or what I want for this year, because we are only on Day 4 so sometimes it is best not to lay out the map of the year only to find that by day 10, the map is already being redrawn. I just hope 2014 brings happiness to everyone I know, and my new year gift something I found written in a notepad of mine.

"Sometimes now I wonder whether she was real or just a fragment of dust trapped in a vacuum of my emotions. And yet on cold winter walks, I see flickers of pink radiate on the snow covered mountains and I know that Little Pink was real."

To hear more of Little Pink's journeys stay listening...